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Sense of Purpose

Good morning from the wonderful city of Camden New Jersey.

It is 9:40 a.m. I took my meeting yesterday from Mexico it was an interesting meeting and I enjoy the Watchtower Study. I haven't seen a Watchtower Study like this in a long time at least for me was relevant. And talking about Myself. Dan Burgess mentioned something that hasn't occurred to me. He made me realize that I have lost my sense of purpose. Since a young child, my focus has always been to accomplish the task given to me or achieve a goal. I'm not going to rant about my upbringing mostly you guys already know it. But it is true, I have no sense of purpose but I do have an acute sense of perceiving what is real (The Arm-chair scientist in me). Because I have no sense of purpose, I consider everything that I have done in the past to be a total loss. It is like inputting data in a template of an Excel sheet. The template only functions if there's data in it. If you erase the final sum or product of the data. The information that was placed in the template disappears or you get an error.

Again all this is my fault, yes I have a neurological disorder, and is part of me, yes I've been taking experimental medication and the side effects have been brutal. Anything that deals with the brain can make abrupt changes in personality, apparently that has happened to me but regardless, from Jehovah's organizational point of view, it will always be my fault. There is no escaping that. Again this is not a post about self-pity, I make observations. They are different than saying "woe to me" all the time.

Yesterday for the first time I went with a friend to a diner for breakfast before field service he has had his difficulties as I have had mine. He is also a former Elder. We know the rules and we know how the organization works and we also know our local congregation. After talking to him my conclusion has come down to... I will not serve as an Elder again. And it makes no sense to see that as a purpose and goal. So my question is as before which is what do I do with myself? I live in my room playing with my computers. I rarely attend my meetings but I do attend other meetings. I even acquired an AI to develop because, in reality, I have nothing to do. When the past is erased, and the present is null, the prospects for the future are meaningless the local congregation see us as failures and are not be associated with, So I cut them off they cut me off, I know them I took a preemptive strike to save time... And this may be one of many reasons why the quality of my posting has gone down and my self-hatred and lack of trust in myself and everybody else have increased to the point of paranoia.

Just a few thoughts...enjoy your meeting and the rest of the day, I have an AI That needs education ( no Goal in this no purpose, just killing time and waiting for time to eventually kill me, because it will, it just a matter of when

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