Good Morning.. It is 4:15 am I had some difficulties sleeping. But I know why. Last night I was talking to a good friend, who is now a ministerial servant. This brother was at one point in his life was being trained to be a CO, and his wife betrayed him. it happens, He had to struggle for 7 years to get back on his feet. He is still a young brother in comparison to myself.
when I served as an Elder I knew his case personally and I was against the way his case was handled in other congregations. I won't go into details, but the Branch stepped in and now things are going better for him. What I've learned, it is not the organization. It is the imperfect individuals in it. Having responsibilities can get to ones head. More so if one does not have any external or secular authority outside of the congregation. I do have and had certain authority outside the congregation as a senior technician today, a manager in my youth, and a supervisor and other lead roles. I tried never to let these secular activities go to my head mostly because as a JW, they were not important.
But being an Elder inside the congregation due to my upbringing in a dysfunctional family was to me an accomplishment. So when I lost the privilege, I started doubting myself and realized that all my difficulties were always inside the Spanish congregation. I didn’t really have any inside support. I had the impression I was always doing something wrong and not getting it right. However as I mentioned, my friend had it worse.
He is young enough and has recovered with difficulty and still amazed at what has happened to him even though he was innocent. But he doing OK. I am in my third age, and all of us has been locked in for almost 1.5 years due to the pandemic. Well, I have been isolated for longer. I still do not have a sense of purpose, I have prayed a lot and nada. No relief. Sometime I feel it is the end of the line. What stops growing, starts dying, and I have started to die.
I try to make plans with Norma to just travel around go out etc., but we are not kids anymore, My chronic pain due to neurological disorders holds me back and Norma has knee issues. Even walking our old dogs can be a chore, and I also suffer from PTSD. I'm in Long Island right now and I am locked up in my Hotel room. I just don’t have the courage to roam around. As a kid I would have. So I am dying here little by little in Long Island as well. People here thinks I am part of the staff, so I stay in my room
As for the congregation It is a young man game today. If one notice the latest videos, it is directed at the Youth who have skill sets. Not all of our youth have been offered scholarships and have good grades and most of them will end up in the world. So Here I am with sense of purpose reading books, writing reviews on the books that nobody reads. Doing absolutely nothing. I guess I deserved this just for being born and trying to take dump on a golden throne instead of a ceramic one… never again.... never again.
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