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A Restful Friday and a Heavy Heart

 


This Friday, after my trip to New York, I decided to stay home and rest. The four-hour journey each way was rough, battling New York City traffic in a rainstorm. Thankfully, my trusty rental car (always a must for work trips) got me there and back.

Driving used to be a joy, a time for quiet reflection. Now, at 62, it's more of a necessity. Still, it allows me some thinking space, a chance to ponder life's complexities. The radio only plays traffic updates these days; music doesn't hold the same magic.

During this trip, I'd hoped to see my niece, but the tight schedule wouldn't allow it. As I drove, I couldn't help but reflect on my career path. Starting at 56, I've given them six years. Now, a harsh truth hits me: people, in general, seem indifferent.

My employer, for example, refuses to consider a younger, more mobile assistant, despite my limitations. It feels like they just want to save money. It's frustrating and demoralizing to have my concerns dismissed as complaints.

Spiritually, things aren't much brighter. I've always felt like a failure, constantly judged for not doing enough. I leaned heavily on my faith, even pushing my son away, thinking it was the right thing. But now, with my health unchanged and my beliefs shaken, I feel adrift.

I can tell the difference between empty encouragement and real support, and lately, the well of true support seems dry. Illness and loss have taken their toll, leaving me feeling hopeless. When hope crumbles, the effects are real: disappointment, anger, a loss of purpose – all burdens I carry.

At 62, I've spent most of my life chasing success, believing it would bring happiness. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Now, facing this realization in both my work and faith, I'm met with a strange indifference. People offer a sympathetic nod, but their concern doesn't go deep. Prayer offers human answers, not divine solutions.

So, here I am, facing a difficult truth. It's time to let go, no matter how I try to sugarcoat it.

This isn't a "have a great day" kind of day. It's a day to acknowledge the struggle and find a new way forward.

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